Well hello there. I see you chose the former option. Congratulations; you get to watch as my sanity goes through the shredder. Please remember that it is entirely your own fault and, should you reach your limit, that you may check out at any time.
Like right now.
Right now would probably be a good time.

...

Alright, now that we've guaranteed that anyone who values their time on this planet is gone, it's time for the main event.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Moses ain't got nothing.

And now:

It's time for Theresa and Steve to go back to America. Why they would want to go back is beyond me, but hey, it's their decision, not mine.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Recap paceR.
And now:

Theresa walks into a meeting room. Blair isn't there. TV cameras are. BAM, I just saved you a page and a half of unimportant description.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Not a lot!

And now:

Theresa and Steve are driven to the Fort Myer uniform shop. She goes for a man's service uniform, presumably the one she's featured in on the cover which, I will remind you, looks like this:

“Hon, you never looked better. It turns me on.”

Oh, Steve.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

North Korea North Korea'd. Theresa Theresa'd.

And now:

This is the big one, folks. Theresa's finally going to fix the wind thing. She's feeling very confident. So confident, in fact, that she invites her gracious hosts, the Parkers, to watch as she saves the world.

She does her thing. They watch, rapt, the television screens which display Theresa's creation in the arctic.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa finally became a dictator, fulfilling this series' longest running joke! And also lost her legs. That too.

And now:

Two hundred and four white spheres hovered miles over Eastern Massachusetts.  A little less than a yard wide each and swirling around several yards from each other, they weren’t visible from the ground.

Oh no.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Murder most foul!

And now:

We open the first real chapter with... tennis.

It was only a matter of minutes before Mark Williams made himself look like a fool in front of the camera. Todd Harris borrowed his dad’s video camera for the day, deciding that it would be a good laugh to record Mark’s horrendous tennis skills.

At least it isn't baseball.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Just stay dead, would you?

And now:

Only five chapters to go, folks!

We begin with Craig and Todd, who have just exited the library. Even after all they've been through, Todd doesn't want to go to the Dead Woods.

Seriously, though, when your dad was talking about his dreams, did it never occur to you that the woods he was seeing might have been the spooky, cursed woods?

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Not a whole lot!

And now:

I am excited to announce that we are now one-fifth of the way through the book.

Yeah.

Craig wakes up in the morning and begins to get dressed. He's going to meet his father today. His mother enters the room and gives him a look.

“That poor Kristy,” said Susan shamefully.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

A lot of crying!

And now:

Health update: surgery went well. I can't feel or move my arm. Now I'm really typing with one hand.

The chapter begins with Craig's mother, Susan, finding him curled up on the floor next to his closet, covered by a blanket. Nice of the pillar to give that to him; wouldn't want him to get too cold.

Someone's there to see Craig. It's Kristy, his girlfriend.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Bloodborne disease brothers for life!

And now:

Before we begin today, I have something to share. I noticed something interesting in one of the reviews for The Shadow God:

The back cover copy reads [...] The author photo [...] His bio[...]

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Indecent exposure!

And now:

Craig and Mark are on the road, headed for Spiers' church. Craig decides now's as good a time as any to ask Mark what his sister knows.

Mark kept his eyes on the road, even though he wasn’t driving. “Oh, yeah? Like what? Like how she wants to fuck you or something?”
“No, something a little more serious.”
Mark turned toward him and shrugged. “What’d she say?”

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Sledgehammers!

And now:

We resume our tale of woe and misery with Craig and Todd on the ground, Detective Eubanks pointing a gun at them. He wants to know what they know.

The detective kept his pistol poised on Craig. “My … partner …” Eubanks wiped his mouth. “My partner …” he began again.
“Are you talking about Underwood?” Craig asked. “What about the prick?”
“D-d-deeead!” Eubanks spat, wiping his mouth again.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Explanations for impossible things don't work if they're impossible.
And now:

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Deserts are hard.

And now:

So the people who blew up that oil tanker were terrorists, as you might have guessed. Old associates of Al-Qaeda, as it turns out. Also, the boat they used was called the 'Deep C Guy'. Just want to put that out there.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

The end!

And now:

Welcome to the educational part of the series. If you're just joining us, I recommend going back and reading the rest of these blogs first, starting from the first chapter. Otherwise, you might not get what's going on.

Or, y'know, don't. Either works for me.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
No one did anything, but they did nothing aggressively.
And now:

We open the chapter with a short description of Boston College, which, as Theresa says, is not actually located in Boston.

BC has nine thousand undergraduates and a nationally known football team, but that’s not why I went there.  I got a full scholarship plus room and board.  It had to be the work of Father Donoughty and the Cardinal.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa whined to Parliament for half an hour.

And now:

This chapter begins with a question: what happened to President Martin?

The answer is given in the paragraph after the paragraph after the question is asked: not a lot. He's doing okay. That's the entirety of that line of thought.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Vehicular vengeance.

And now:

Did I know what I was doing?  Heck no!

Well, at least she admits it.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Airplane.

And now:

Welcome back. Did you miss me? I missed you.

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